Always...

I feel myself always pondering whats next? I still can't get it thru my head that I may never know what's next. As this year is coming to a close I find myself pondering what I want for my life. I'll be 30 next year. Thought that day was so far away but it has definitely got here quicker than I wanted it to. No longer will I get to brag about being in my 20's! My kids are all getting older. Michael will be 10. I just can't believe that! They grow up entirely too quickly! Caitlyn will follow shortly after turning 2 (terrible 2's already showing it's ugly head) and then Matthew will be 9 (1/2 way to adult age).

I want to always be there for my kids and give them the best life that I can. I want to give them what I didn't have. Sometimes, some things are out of our control....but I try :) People say my kids are spoiled and it always takes me aback but in reality they are. Now, they aren't spoiled rotten but I do tend to overcompensate for not having them with me all the time (my boys) and then Caitlyn for not having her dad. I'm her only parent and I know how that is on a little girl. I grew up that way. I don't want her to grow up craving male attention because she missed out on it when she was younger. One day (prayerfully) God will put a true father figure in her life. Right now at least she has God-fearing male role models (thank you Steve and Jon!).

Ok, so God provides...

I know this....and after every thing God has done in my life recently I really, really know this but I can't help being so anxious still. I told a friend last night there is a sense of peace knowing that God is in control.....however, you have to get over the hurdle of the anxiety attacks first. Everything that is playing out in my life right now is of God. I wouldn't even be in the position to possibly (prayerfully) get my boys back, have my own place again soon, be safe now, and so many other things. God has provided for me so much better than I could have ever imagined. My life just 3-4 months ago was sooo different and I was so miserable. I truly am amazed on how much more easy going I am. It's been a hard road but God has held my hand thru it all. He was there with me before I went to the hospital and when I was there...always teaching me and showing me his love. Love, something I've always craved and I gave myself up to get it but only got hurt in the process. Oh well, you live and you learn and you move forward.

So...it's a praying game right now. I can't help trying to figure it all out and how everything is going to work out but in reality, God has this....he is in control...he put this whole ball in motion so I have to sit back and see what he has planned.

Where's the relief?

So, he went to jail yesterday and no idea how long he'll be locked up. I'm thinking I should be relieved but I'm not. I really wish I could just forget him all together. The whole thing has spun my world out of control.

Staying Positive

LOL...isn't it interesting to see the internal battles I have with myself all typed out for the world to see?? :)

Anyway...got an email today about how positive thinking is healthy for us.

Need proof that optimism is healthy? Recent studies show a positive outlook boosts health and lowers your chances of developing heart disease.

Positive Thinking: Tips for Maintaining Optimism

To maintain positive thinking, pay attention to basic needs such as getting enough rest, proper nutrition, exercise, stress reduction, and heath care; in other words, keep your life in balance. Here are some tips for maintaining a positive outlook:

Let it out. Keeping feelings of sadness, anger, or guilt bottled up inside is unhealthy and can undermine positive thinking. Talk to a friend or loved one.

Replace negative thinking with positive thinking. People who are optimistic are able to reframe negatives into positives. Practicing this kind of positive spin will eventually make it automatic.

Learn to deal with stress. Some stress is inevitable. Learn to handle it in a positive way. Getting regular exercise, having a good social support system, accepting change, and keeping life in perspective are healthy ways you can deal with stress.

Now, most of the time I try to be this way...of course, often life gets in the way and it becomes a struggle but overall I am so glad that I see the glass as half full. I have enough problems in life without dwelling on everything negative in life. It would drive me nuts to always be gloomy and down. Balance is what it's all about. Can't let everything get to you but can't let nothing get to you either. Life is meant to be loved and enjoyed. Sure, life will not be perfect but those times can even still be turned into something sweet. God wants us to be happy and optimism is healthy!

Feeling a lot of anxiety

Lately I have been feeling a lot of anxiety. It's quickly becoming time that I have to act and no longer sit on the sidelines and hope that things will just fall into place. Many things in my life I have to either get the ball running or finish the race, no matter if I'm gonna win or not. I can't procrasinate any longer. I know that's where my anxiety is coming from. It's not that I don't trust that God will see me thru or that I won't heal from all that I'm about to endure but just knowing that I have to endure it still is quite unsettling. I made comparison to a little kid about to get a spanking. Now, they know it won't hurt forever and that (for the most part) their parent (or whomever) still loves them but when they know it's coming they still have the anxiety of having to go thru it. That's the way I feel and I wish it could be as easy as that- so I can get over it quick but I know better. There is no bandaid way to deal with this. Thank God he is letting me know that so I don't sell part of my soul for that numbing feeling that many people seek out.

I'm so familiar with the notion that the decisions you make today will impact you tomorrow. My whole life has been like that. I can see the glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel but I can't figure out how long it will take me to get there. As long as I'm moving towards it I know I will get there in God's timing.

Planning my future

I know I'm supposed to let God have control of my life but that doesn't mean sitting back and waiting for God to do it all. I have to take responsibility for my actions and what my life is- the beauty of free will. As of right now I have a rough 6 month plan. Hopefully I'm able to accomplish it all in 6 months. There seems to be a lot that I have to go thru before I get to the other side but I have a feeling the breath of fresh air from a new beginning will be worth it.

I can hardly wait to see God work in my life. The pure freedom to follow him and have what he wants me to have is going to be great. At first I was really mourning the loss of my old life- all the dreams and plans for it, but I'm realizing God has a better plan for me than I could have ever had for myself. I may be making plans but I'm including God in all of them. Life is truely easier without openly disobeying him. I know everything I have gone thru was him bringing me closer to him. He protected me thru it all but he was determined to teach me- the same we do with our kids.

Needing people

I mentioned this the other night and was told I should blog about it. Before I wanted to blog on it I wanted to ponder the idea a little more to see if other people could see other angles. Of course not everyone will agree with me. I feel like you shouldn't "need" people....like life or death need. Of course you want people and feel better with certain people but they should not be what sustains you. The only thing you should need is God. People come and go in our life. They disappoint us at times, hurt us, make us cry. It's just in their nature sometimes....they are not perfect. Only one is....God. That's why we only NEED him.

Family

Growing up we think whatever we are subject to is the norm. Only when we grow older and look back do we realize how unnormal it all is. This makes life increasingly difficult to appreciate the really normal things. I am amazed all the time how God is showing me what is normal and healthy and putting my whole life in perspective. i can't help but smile when I see my daughter with her pseudo-grandparents.She loves them and they truly love her. I never grew up with grandparents so it's really a treat to see them interact and I know how blessed I am to have them in my life. They are not only their for my daughter when her blood family isn't but they are there for me regardless of the decisions that I make. I'm not blood but I may as well be. In all honesty they are a big reason why I don't want to move out of the area (even tho it's pretty appealing at times). It's funny to me in an ironic way since I left FL to get away from my mother. So.....you can't pick your family BUT I think we found a loophole! :)

Face Down...but not out!

This speaks volumes to me....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WQIIz9AuUA

I know in my heart I haven't let it go and I know it will take time to process and let him, my fantasy, my old life go. I have peace that I'm making the right decisions. I'm not making them based on anger or a sinful nature. I really am amazed on how God has been working thru me. I love it. I am truly blessed and I'm reminded of that everyday. Several people have recently told me they KNOW Im saved. I guess everyone questions their own salvation at one point or another, especially when they sin. I know God is working and has been working in my life. I know he has been protecting me even though I was being stubborn. I know he loves me...always has, despite everything I have ever done. There truly is a peace in knowing that. I'm so glad that I'm growing in my relationship with him. He really is such a comfort in my life and watching him work is just amazing.

Blessed and confused

As I lay/sit in my hospital bed (the one I will be so glad to leave tomorrow!) I am thinking a lot about my life. I have a lot of decisions to make and for some they seem easy ones but that's because they aren't the ones that have to make them. With every decision in life I always wonder if I'm making the right one. In many of my relationships, I have learned to question and doubt myself more and more. I have been knocked down both physically and psychologically for so long that when I sit down and think about it....I'm amazed I'm still here and can still bring a smile to my face. I know God knows what he's doing....me, I don't have a clue! I'm open for learning but I've always been that stubborn, fall-then-learn-from-it kinda person. I don't really know why that is. I always have to test the limits. I see a lot of myself in my daughter. She is truly my sunshine. God knew what he was doing and what I needed. (As I write this I'm tearing up). That does make some decisions easier to make but I still question myself. I really have been isolated due to my last relationship and today I felt really blessed. I had friends that I haven't kept in touch with for a long time check on me cause they had a strange feeling. Once again, God knew I needed that support. I often forget people really love me and care about me cause the one person I tried to love didn't love me back. I have really special friends. The ones that want to be there for me and wish that someone would beat him up (brings a smile to my face). God often reminds me how blessed I am. I only have a few real friends but they are so special and dear to me. That makes other decisions really difficult to make.

I didn't tell my dad that I was in the hospital until Sunday (been here since Thursday) because I knew what was going to happen when I did. He's ready to come get me and Caitlyn and move us up to VA. Thats not an easy decision considering my whole life has been centered around here but he wants to protect me and I know that his intentions are pure. He doesn't want to find out I'm dead when he's so far away and helpless. It must b hard to be a dad and have your daughter go thru the stuff I've gone thru and feel so helpless. His girlfriend called so any hospitals today (from VA mind you) just to find me cause I didn't answer my phone. They were so worried....it was sweet to me since I never really had that. Still haven't told my mom cause I already know how that will go....she is SO negative and I definitely don't need that right now. So I have a lot of decisions and finally the freedom (and few resources) to make them. I just pray I make the right ones for me and my daughter and of course my boys (but I do know they are safe).

Choices and being YOU!

We are all faced with choices everyday. Some are easy and some are not. You just can not make everyone happy all the time. In fact, that is NOT what life is even about. Sure the waters seem calmer when others are happy with your choices but in the end you are the one who has to live with them (the choices) and not everyone else. You can not be everything to everyone. We often get disappointed in others like they get disappointed in us but guess what, that is life! Since the time that sin arrived there has not been complete bliss....never will be! Life is rough and hard and we often try to rush through many parts of it thinking that it will get easier down the road just to find another bump. It's how you learn from those bumps and turns and weaves in the road that make you who you are. No one can take that away from you...unless you allow it. The beauty of being individuals is that you get to be you all the time....almost like a marriage, for better or worse, rich and poor but you cannot divorce or leave yourself!

Stress

How does someone avoid stress??? Do they hide under their bed completely shut off from the world? I find it somewhat humerous when the doctor tells me I need to have less stress. Now that's something I'd be willing to take a pill for! How do you have less stress? I mean personally I would love to have a stress-free life but how to actually have that....I'm completely lost about. I mean, do I have to first win the lottery that I don't even play? Do I have to have all my kids grown and married off first? Do I have to find the secret to being independently weathly (that I have been searching for all these years lol)? I just don't get it.

Anger

Another night of frustrations...another night of reading- trying to figure things out.

This really made sense: Anger is one of the most common and destructive delusions, and it afflicts our mind almost every day. To solve the problem of anger we first need to recognize the anger within our mind, acknowledge how it harms both ourself and others, and appreciate the benefits of being patient in the face of difficulties. We then need to apply practical methods in our daily life to reduce our anger and finally to prevent it from arising at all. Anger is a deluded mind that focuses on an animate or inanimate object, feels it to be unattractive, exaggerates its bad qualities, and wishes to harm it. For example, when we are angry with our partner, at that moment he or she appears to us as unattractive or unpleasant. We then exaggerate his bad qualities by focusing only on those aspects that irritate us and ignoring all his good qualities and kindness, until we have built up a mental image of an intrinsically faulty person. We then wish to harm him in some way, probably by criticizing or disparaging him. Because it is based on an exaggeration, anger is an unrealistic mind; the intrinsically faulty person or thing that it focuses on does not in fact exist. Moreover, as we shall see, anger is also an extremely destructive mind that serves no useful purpose whatsoever. Having understood the nature and disadvantages of anger, we then need to watch our mind carefully at all times in order to recognize it whenever it begins to arise.

I swear I could have wrote this. Good thing I have a counseling appointment tomorrow. Everyone is always saying how self aware I am. They say it like it's a good thing. I feel like it isn't. You have any idea how frustrating it is to realize what the problem is but you can't seem to make it different. I feel so helpless laying with my anger. I never realized I too had an anger problem. Now I can really empathize....but now what?!?!?

Forgiveness

This is something I have been struggling with for awhile now. I can not seem to grasp how to truly forgive. It has brought me to the point of questioning my salvation. I was doing some reading on grace and forgiveness (since I slept so much during the day I can't seem to sleep now...go fig!) and I know what forgiveness is but I just don't know how to forgive. "Just as there is no limit to God's forgiveness to us, there should be no limit to our forgiveness of those who wrong us. In response to Peter's question to Jesus about forgiving a brother who might sin against him, Jesus said, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven" (Matthew 18:22). Our forgiveness of others should be as limitless as God's forgiveness is toward us. Just as God's grace and forgiveness is incomprehensible to finite mankind, so is the expectation that we can repeatedly forgive others." I know God helps us follow his commands by giving us the Holy Spirit to help and I guess that what has me questioning my salvation. I don't feel like I have him helping me but that may not be him that's not allowing it. Honestly I know a part of me wants to hold on to the anger and pain and feed off of it for whatever sick reason. I need to really give it to God and stop saying I am because I really do know I can't do this without him. There is no logical reason for me to forgive....he doesn't deserve it but none of us do and God doesn't see any sin any more damning than another with the exception of blasphemy- "I tell you the truth, all the sins and blasphemies of men will be forgiven them. But whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; he is guilty of an eternal sin" (Mark 3:28,29). If God has seen fit to forgive me for all my sins then I need to forgive those who have wronged me. It's so much easier said than done...I'm living proof!

Such is life

I try to have a laid back attitude with life even though if proves to be difficult a lot of times. There is so much that I want different in my life and trying to figure out to make it so has also been quite trying. I'm 29 years old and trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up...even though technically I am grown (only tech cause I have a LONG way to go lol). Where did my life go? Where did all my ambitions and goals go? I know they have to be here somewhere...packed away in a dust covered memory that seems so far away now. I remember when I was in high school I wanted to get my PhD in Psychology and start my own practice. Then after high school I moved to get away from my mom and ended up pregnant and then married. I spent the next 4-5 years being wife and mother, and ending up in a job that was decent but never what I had planned for my life. I finally went back to school and finished my degree in Business Marketing this last March only to find myself unemployed in May after working in one industry for 10 years. I even changed my major when I went to school thinking that I would have a leg up and have myself better prepared in life. Boy did God have another plan!

Money has never really been that important to me. Sure I want my bills paid and my kids took care of but I don't think I'm the glitz and glamor/high maintenance girl that a lot of people I see are. I guess I have all the dreams/fantasies of being able to run away for a weekend or get my nails and hair done whenever I want and actually be able to afford "retail therapy" BUT I'm not willing to sacrifice my morals for material things. That is a hard temptation that I deal with but I know in the end that all I would be doing is hurting myself and selling my soul for too high of a cost. God definitely blessed me with a conscience.

Still I can't help but have my mind drift to what I could accomplish with money. I'd be able to fight my ex husband in court and hopefully and prayfully have my boys back living with me full time. Only thing that comforts me to an extent is that I know he loves them and he is a good dad. I don't approve of all his decisions and that's where we usually bash heads but all in all the boys are took care of and they have a strong faith that I never had growing up.

I had a very nice and enlightening conversation with my oldest son, Michael (who is 9) last night. We were talking about his dad's decision to have them home schooled next yr (one of those decisions I don't approve of) and he was telling me how he doesn't understand why he has to be homeschooled and how nervous he was about learning from a computer (yea I know!). He actually told me he wanted to go to school and that he didn't understand why he couldn't go to public school...the only thing different was that they don't pray in public school or have chapel but he said he can still pray and he knows God is his heart so that is all that matters. I'm telling you....my son is smart! I just have this feeling God is going to do something in his life.

Parenting...what a job

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I love her....well, not really but she does try my patience at times. Ahhh...the joys of parenthood. It is hard work. People who say it isn't are either drugged up, have no children, or live in la la land.

She has been particularly difficult today. Not only is she now 1 and seems to be trying me in a different way every day but today she has been running a fever on and off. I believe she is teething as her fever hasn't reached 102 yet. She is acting relatively normal. I say relative cause she is changing so much every day now. She is "talking" almost constantly. Today we actually got her to sit still and watch about 15 min of a movie sitting next to her older brother, Michael. I was too scared to get up and get a camera!

Beyond that she screamed on and off ALL DAY! She is now going thru the separation anxiety phase. I pray she went thru it today cause she wasn't feeling good otherwise this will be yet another fun adventure breaking her from freaking out, coming up to me and putting her arms up to be picked up....constantly. And of course she would NOT take a nap today. It's pretty hard work to keep up with a 1 year old primadonna.....but I love her...I really really do!

Pondering choices

So often in life we are forced to make life-changing decisions. Once we decide one way there is no turning back. Life is too short to regret but sometimes it's hard not to when life doesn't turn out the way you had envisioned it.

I have been feeling I'm at one of those crossroads and no matter which choice I make there are pros and cons. I'm scared to make the wrong one but by not making one now I'm just prolonging the inevitable. I'm praying about it.

Just new here

A really good friend introduced me to blogspot so I thought I'd give it a shot.

I often sit back and really think about how blessed I am. This seems to a be difficult thing to do sometimes with all that seems to be going on in my life and all the trials and tribulations that God is seeing me thru right now but in all honesty I am truly blessed. I have really good friends. Now that may seem trival but these aren't just any kind of friends. These aren't the people that talk about you behind your back or backstab you or look out for only themselves. These are the true friends that you can call at 1am to cry to or if you are broke down somewhere they will get up and come to you wherever you are. These are the kind of friends that God just didn't make blood related to you but you love them like they are. I've exprienced all types of "friends" and in many instances the word friend is often misused. Just because you know someone does not make them your friend. I thank God everyday to have introduced those true friends into my life. Thru them I have grown leaps and bounds not only spiritually but personally. I have grasped ideas about life that I never got from anywhere else. And even though they aren't perfect people (no one is) I love all their imperfections because that is who they are and that is why I love them!