My husband

Those words I doubted I'd ever hear again but here I am planning the rest of my life with the most perfect man for me.  I love him on such a deep, complete, and total level.  I never in my wildest dreams knew I had it in me to love like I love him.  I find myself loving every aspect of who he is and relishing in the amazing feeling he gives me.  I forgive huge transgressions so much easier than I ever have.  I found the positive of my hurt.  Who does that except a person that is so full of real and pure love.  That's the only explanation I have for why I love him through it.  I build him up while I hurt.  And I really love it.  I love him being the man I know he is.  And I love helping him see what I see in him.  He really is my soulmate. I'm so blessed to ever have this feeling.  But to be his wife and him by husband is beyond beautiful. I can't wait to be with him forever. I am so excited about our future because the power that comes with true love is so empowering.

Appreciation

It's such a wonderful thing to really love and appreciate who a person is...not who you want them to be or who they are pretending to be.  To be able to be yourself without someone trying to change you or belittle you is so freeing.  When everyone has treated you so bad all your life it feels so amazing to be looked at and treated like you are the most beautiful, wonderful person in the world. To truly be liked as a person and friend instead of tolerated touches your heart in such an amazing way.

Ready for forever after

I can pretend or act tough all I want but the truth remains I am his.  My mind body and soul are connected to him on such an amazing level.  I sit back and think of where we started and where we are at now and knowing without a doubt how much more mind blowing we will be when finally given the opportunity to truly be together.
I know God is testing my ability to lean on him and trust in his timing. And i have to admit it's so hard to do most of the time.  When you found the person that takes you to a place you never knew existed it's so hard not to want your forever after to begin. 
It's not just the love I have for him... it's the friendship the loyalty the trust that is equally amazing. The way he makes me feel about myself is wonderful.  My entire life I've been put down on every level imaginable. He builds me up and shows me how special I am.  So much I actually believe it some of the time.  It's an incredible feeling to be with someone and be confident and comfortable with no insecurities. I never knew that feeling existed.
He is truly amazing and I need to be more understanding of the stress he's going thru and help him thru it instead of adding to it. I may not like the timing of everything so far but God knows what he's doing....he always does.  And it's time I have trust in God. He has never failed me and I know he won't now.  I know God brought him back to me to finally show me what love is supposed to be. To tell me I deserve more than I've ever settled for. Now I just have to have patience for the pieces to fall into place.  I'm so ready for my forever after with the person I know is meant for me. Like I told him earlier I love him enough to go the bad and the amazing.  We are amazing together.  The drama...this too shall pass and an awesome future awaits us that I know will be better than anything we could ever imagine. 

The one

Without a doubt I know God intended him for me.  I've never experienced something that felt so right...so perfect.  I love us so much.  I never get enough and I can feel even when we grow old I'm still going to complain I didn't have enough time with him.  My heart and soul are tied to him.  I've never in my life felt so amazing and wonderful.  I have truly sold myself short for all of my life. I still can't believe that he is mine and this is my life. I never knew I could feel the way I do when I'm with him.  He really is my best friend and holds a part of me always.  I love that he is opening up and showing me how he feels because it just makes me love and adore him more.  Our relationship is epic and we have merely begun.  Can't wait until we are together in every sense of the word.  We will continue to take each other to greater heights showing the other how much we love them.  It's a competition I can stand behind and it's fun.  We are both givers...something unheard of in this day. 

Full of choices

There is so much in my life I have no control over.  I've been told control is just an illusion but I've always had a sense of direction disguised as control.  It's took me so long in my life to know what i want and waiting for God's timing is so hard. 

But it perplexes me how the person that can make me feel complete and the happiest I've ever been in life can also be the one that make me miserable and disappointed. I thought I finally found the person who loves me like I love him.  When I'm with him I believe it but he doesn't act like it when I'm not there.  I just don't understand.  I can't picture my future without him but when will that future start? I sacrifice so much to have him and I question what sacrifices he makes.  I try so hard and I just wish he would instead of taking me and my loyalty for granted. 

Amazing

I've discovered there isn't enough words in the English language to describe how he makes me feel. I'm so happy with him.  I really never knew it could feel so damn right....so perfect. Being with him is easy. Our situation is hard but Everytime I'm with him my mind is blown. Every touch every kiss ignites a passion in me i didn't know existed. We have so much fun together and I can't wait until we can share so much more.  My God what did I do to deserve the perfect man for me?  I'm so grateful and blessed in life.  I love him so completely and totally...I am his and he is mine.  We are so awesome together.  I love us. 

He is such a wonderful person.  I swoon inside with every little thing he does to show me how much he loves me. I love being with him.  It's the only time in life I'm truly happy and content and safe.  I love hearing and seeing how being with him affects him.  I love that I have the same affect on him.  I always want to take away his stress and worry. I love seeing him happy.

Love always

I can't say it enough or think of any more ways I can show my love for him.  Right now life sucks on such a grand scale...and I still can't think of anything but being with him.  I'm so ready for our life together to begin.  Yes we are together but not in the same sense. I want to be by his side.  I want to fall asleep with him every night and wake up to the love of my life every morning.  Every experience in life I want to share with him. I don't know if he realizes how much I value every call he makes....every text I get.  I swear it's what keeps me as sane as i can be. I've never had to go thru so much turmoil and drama and stress but i know in my heart he is worth it. I don't see anyone but him forever.  He is my everything...my love...my future of happiness and adoration. He is and has always been my soul mate...the one that completes me. How on God's earth could I ever walk away from that? 

Another life lesson

No matter my intentions...mistrust breeds mistrust. I've never saw it as clear as i do now. Yes I had reason but in reality I took it to a level that shouldn't have been touched. I feel awful falling from the ideal I strive so hard to be. I try so hard to be a good person....and somehow I feel like I broke that.  I thought of myself and lived in the past...I was reminded of past pain instead of believing my heart. And in reality if i don't trust him I should not be with him.  He did break that unfaltering trust...but I chose to forgive him.  I chose to stay.  I chose us. 

I've never had this before.  I've never had this understanding.  I lose so much focus when I'm not with him.  I won't lie...it's hard. It's not hard in the sense it is for some people.  I'm not tempted by anyone or anything else. It's hard to trust from so far away....to leave yourself so vulnerable. It's hard not having him by my side day in and day out..to crave the feeling I have with him and can't have. It's hard knowing exactly what you want...rather need to be happy in life....and feeling selfish because you want it so bad but there are so many complications. I pray for God's will. I pray God provides a way for me to finally be happy. 

He makes me happy. It's not a blissful happy...it's real...its contentment. He grounds me. He gets me...most of the time.  He tries as hard as I do to understand me. I appreciate every effort he makes. Every single touch means so much to me.  He has so much power over me....and I gave it to him. I love him like I've never loved anyone else in my life. The way he loves me is unlike anything I've ever known. When we are together I feel it so strongly.

So i digress...mistrust breeds mistrust and it hurts me to my core to even think he doesn't trust me even in the slightest. I want him to unfaltering trust me and I really do strive to have that with him...and understand the man that he is. Because in all reality I've never been with a man...not one that really is and that I respect.

Love him always

I lay here and constantly think about him.  I so desperately wish he could see himself thru my eyes. He is the most amazing man I've ever known.  His charm.  His wit. His intelligence unsurpassed by anyone I've ever known in my life.  When i feel his love i feel like the luckiest person alive. He is the most attractive person I have ever set my eyes on.  I say that from the bottom of my heart.  I don't think he truly knows how wonderful he is. 

I see his hurt.  I see his pain.  I can literally feel it at times and I'm at such a loss how to remove it.  He closes up and becomes this foreign person to me...but I know his heart. He has such a beautiful heart.  He's not perfect and honestly I don't want him to be.  I want him to be himself.  Right now he's not himself. 

When we are together the world seems brighter...more manageable.  Like we can take on anything together.  When we are apart I feel lost...a part of me missing and I'm certain the rest of the world can see the gape that is left.  I also lose him.  Not physically or permanently but he goes back in his shell and i lose the connection I so desperately try to hold on. 

I become a person I don't like being when i don't feel the connection. I want it to be like it was before....like it is when I'm in his arms.  I want to take care of him so he has nothing to worry about and I totally respect that he is so independent that he doesn't want me to. With his pride I'm sure it's emasculating but in my mind I'm taking care of my man...of our family and I hold no resentment to that because I know i can help him become the man he wants to be.  I know i can give him the love and support he's never had but deserves so much.  Every one goes thru a time in their lives where they need help. 

I dance a thin line of trying to help but giving him his space...from giving him space and still trying to find a way to have my needs met but still be understanding to his.  It can be quite exhausting. But i always come back to the conclusion that he's worth it. We are worth it. We deserve to be happy. So i suck it up and move on day by day feriously praying that God will provide the answers....of course sooner rather than later but knowing in my heart that everything is God's will and in his time.  I pray that these hard times will bring us closer in the future and not tear us apart.

He is my soul mate. I think I've always known it but even more so now.  I have feelings for him that I've never experienced before. It's not a restless type of love...it's one of contentment and security and adoration.

I adore him even tho I can be quite difficult at times. I have so much baggage and hurt that I pushed to the side but never dealt with. It rears it's ugly head sometimes and I become a person I detest. I don't want to be that type of person...that type of woman...and dare I say it that type of wife. I want a healthy relationship where we want to be with each other....best friends with all the benefits.  We had that before....before the drama. And i know in my heart we can get it back. 

I love him.  So completely and totally and God has placed him back in my life and for that I am eternally grateful.  I just wish he could see himself thru my eyes. 

Life ever changing

I've learned thru the years the only thing constant is change.  Some changes surprise you;  some you learn from;  some you are grateful for.  I have a newfound love for the person he is. He's not perfect but I see and feel the love he has for me.  I can't wait until I'm forever in his arms. 

Is it fear or intuition?

All of my decisions in life are now well thought out and prayed about diligently. However every once in awhile I'll get a pull against the direction I'm going.  The question I have....it is fear or intuition?

I don't want to have fear control my life...especially when i haven't been given any reason to have unsubstantiated fear. It's so hard to trust someone when you have been put thru as much as i have. Every person that I trusted wouldn't hurt me has hurt me in countless ways and honestly I'm tired of pulling the pieces back together. I can't even fathom how far in life I would be if I were more cautious before. But alas....it's all God's will and God's plan.

Doubts creep into my mind but honestly I've never been given any reason to doubt.  Is it normal or a result of the events in my life. I know what I want but the road there will be hard...and expensive at this rate. Just wish I knew without a doubt the end game but life doesn't work that way.  Sigh.

My Future

This week has been another lesson in God's in control.  I had planned to go see him this weekend just to find out there were no rooms available. After what i swear was a 3 year old fit i digress and booked a room for next weekend.  Obviously God didn't want me coming this weekend even tho I was really looking forward to being with him.

He makes me so happy and complete and it's only a feeling I have with him.  It's highly addicting and honestly the cravings are stronger every time I am with him.  I have never in my life enjoyed being with someone so much.  He challenges me but I also feel completely comfortable and safe when I'm with him. In saying all this I know for a fact I am so in love with him. And this is a healthy love....finally!

Trials and tribulations of life

Life is an interesting series of twists and turns.  It's a rollercoaster of emotions that you work so hard to understand and control. Yesterday I felt as if my whole world would crumble in a mere moment....on the verge of tears. Today I feel more like myself....hopeful and blessed. Not to say that all of a sudden life got easy...quite the opposite actually.  I am working on being a better parent and teaching my daughter to obey me right away.  With a strong willed child that is a constant full time endeavor.  But I've prayed a lot today and am working on solutions so that gives me hope. Being a single parent is hard. But it's a blessing and a prevlelige to be her mother. 

I want a fast forward button

If ever there was a time I wanted time to go by fast it's now. I am so excited for the future and every day I'm more convinced that this is what God wants for me. I have never in my life felt so loved secure and honestly...emotionally healthy. Sure I still have moments of hormonal craziness but all in all I'm really as happy as I can be until I can have him be a permanent fixture in my life. I just know in my heart that this is where God wants me to be. And all of this is in Gods perfect timing. Sure I've loved him since I was 18 but the level of love and adoration I feel for him now is so much more pure and mature and real. We both had to grow up and as much as I hate not having all these years with the right person I do know God was teaching us both life lessons so that we could be perfect together. That's what I choose to believe at least :)

Serenity

I have been doing a lot of self reflection lately and have come to the conclusion that I am exactly where God wants me. I have a sense of peace because of that.  I also understand that life can steal that away from me in time. But for now I will embrace it.

Throughout the years I have learned a lot about myself. Not the outside but my soul. I love the person God is allowing me to be. I have learned how to have healthy relationships and have what I consider to be healthy boundaries.  I know i am no where near figuring it all out but still shocks me to see where I came from to where I am now. I can say without a doubt that the person I am is of God's doing. I didn't have a role model worth following growing up. The direction my life has gone has been hard...nothing handed to me. A lot of pain and abuse and as much as i hated going thru it all...I wouldn't change a thing. Every thing I have gone thru has made me who I am. Every trial and tribulation has made me stronger in the end.

I am blessed. I know this. I feel this. I also know the material things of life can be gone tomorrow. That's not what life is about. I haven't forgot where I came from and anything I've gone thru. Going thru hell makes you appreciate the good on a new level. You don't take it for granted...you cherish it. You realize life is too short to not be loved and enjoyed.

I value the things that money can't buy. Who a person is...the connections that you share...the times you enjoy together no matter how trivial seem so amazing. I believe in my heart that is how God intended it. I am beyond blessed that God is allowing me just to experience it even once. I never want to lose this feeling.

The love that I'm currently experiencing is completely amazing and I never knew it really existed. I've settled for so much less for such a long time. I pray this for my children...for anyone really. It's so right...it's so fulfilling and healthy. It's the way I guess it's supposed to be and I wasted so much of my life being miserable with the wrong people. So makes me appreciate what i have now. I've never had such a deep connection with someone...someone that I love and adore completely. There is open communication that we both thrive on. There is an attraction i have yet to see surpassed.  His touch...his kiss...everything about him is beyond amazing. He's not perfect and neither am i and never want us to be. I love how he challenges me. I love how controlling he can be (in a healthy way). I even love when he's an ass hole because that is who he is and I honestly love every part of who he is.

I continue to be amazed at what God does in my life. I have a sense of serenity knowing God is in control. I have faith that everything will work out. For now I will continue to move forward and embrace the ever encompassing euphoric feelings that God has allowed me to experience. I am so grateful and humble to have everything in my life and I'm no where near done. I thank God daily for bringing him back into my life.

Beyond blessed

God continues to out due himself in my life.  It's been a hell of a road to get to where I am.... and I'm not done traveling but i am beyond blessed.

I have a job that is amazing.  I get challenged and get the opportunity to learn more and grow my career.  I'm paid very well and honestly love my job.

I have a completely wonderful man that is truly perfect for me.  I've never been so sure of anything or anyone in my life.  It's such a different feeling than I've ever had with anyone else.  It's so... right.  He makes me so happy.  He makes me a better person.  He makes me feel confident and sexy and so very loved.  He is like oxygen to me.  It's an addiction I want to indulge in forever.  I can't get enough of being with him.  He touches my heart like no one ever has. I can't wait until he is mine forever.  It may be hard right now but I don't think I could ever walk away from him... unless hard boundaries are broke of course.  I have faith he won't hurt me.  I never want to hurt him.

I love making him happy and the look he gives me when he's just staring at me.  He has already exceeded anything I've ever had and it gets better every time I'm with him.  I literally fall more in love with him everyday when i didn't think I could ever love him more.  Have you ever had that person that just completes you?  Even tho it seems clique.... and I never really believed the "fable" but I'm living it and it's so awesome and amazing.  My heart is so blessed. I am so lucky to have a real man that adores me like I adore him. 

I truly believe I have my soulmate. There are some rough roads ahead of us but I have to have faith it will just bring us closer and that we are meant to be.  If for some reason it's not it will hurt but have to understand I will be ok regardless.  Hard to be on that line. 

It's hard but worth it

It's amazing to me to fall more in love with someone everyday despite the current circumstances.  He makes me a better person and makes me want to be a better person in all ways.  I still pray this is what God wants for me because i know with all my heart that this is what i want.  He is amazing in every way and there isn't anything that i want to change about him except his location.

I love every bit of time i have with him and yearn for the day that I don't have to count down the mins I have with him.  To have him actually be mine in all ways would make my heart so happy.  I've wanted that for so long.  I want to make him as happy and loved as he makes me.  Forever if God allows it. 

Distance does suck but i pray the outcome will be better than i could ever imagine.  He truly is a man. One that I can be submissive too but not lose myself in the process.  He respects me and i respect him.  I pray our love continues to grow.