Full of choices

There is so much in my life I have no control over.  I've been told control is just an illusion but I've always had a sense of direction disguised as control.  It's took me so long in my life to know what i want and waiting for God's timing is so hard. 

But it perplexes me how the person that can make me feel complete and the happiest I've ever been in life can also be the one that make me miserable and disappointed. I thought I finally found the person who loves me like I love him.  When I'm with him I believe it but he doesn't act like it when I'm not there.  I just don't understand.  I can't picture my future without him but when will that future start? I sacrifice so much to have him and I question what sacrifices he makes.  I try so hard and I just wish he would instead of taking me and my loyalty for granted. 

Amazing

I've discovered there isn't enough words in the English language to describe how he makes me feel. I'm so happy with him.  I really never knew it could feel so damn right....so perfect. Being with him is easy. Our situation is hard but Everytime I'm with him my mind is blown. Every touch every kiss ignites a passion in me i didn't know existed. We have so much fun together and I can't wait until we can share so much more.  My God what did I do to deserve the perfect man for me?  I'm so grateful and blessed in life.  I love him so completely and totally...I am his and he is mine.  We are so awesome together.  I love us. 

He is such a wonderful person.  I swoon inside with every little thing he does to show me how much he loves me. I love being with him.  It's the only time in life I'm truly happy and content and safe.  I love hearing and seeing how being with him affects him.  I love that I have the same affect on him.  I always want to take away his stress and worry. I love seeing him happy.

Love always

I can't say it enough or think of any more ways I can show my love for him.  Right now life sucks on such a grand scale...and I still can't think of anything but being with him.  I'm so ready for our life together to begin.  Yes we are together but not in the same sense. I want to be by his side.  I want to fall asleep with him every night and wake up to the love of my life every morning.  Every experience in life I want to share with him. I don't know if he realizes how much I value every call he makes....every text I get.  I swear it's what keeps me as sane as i can be. I've never had to go thru so much turmoil and drama and stress but i know in my heart he is worth it. I don't see anyone but him forever.  He is my everything...my love...my future of happiness and adoration. He is and has always been my soul mate...the one that completes me. How on God's earth could I ever walk away from that? 

Another life lesson

No matter my intentions...mistrust breeds mistrust. I've never saw it as clear as i do now. Yes I had reason but in reality I took it to a level that shouldn't have been touched. I feel awful falling from the ideal I strive so hard to be. I try so hard to be a good person....and somehow I feel like I broke that.  I thought of myself and lived in the past...I was reminded of past pain instead of believing my heart. And in reality if i don't trust him I should not be with him.  He did break that unfaltering trust...but I chose to forgive him.  I chose to stay.  I chose us. 

I've never had this before.  I've never had this understanding.  I lose so much focus when I'm not with him.  I won't lie...it's hard. It's not hard in the sense it is for some people.  I'm not tempted by anyone or anything else. It's hard to trust from so far away....to leave yourself so vulnerable. It's hard not having him by my side day in and day out..to crave the feeling I have with him and can't have. It's hard knowing exactly what you want...rather need to be happy in life....and feeling selfish because you want it so bad but there are so many complications. I pray for God's will. I pray God provides a way for me to finally be happy. 

He makes me happy. It's not a blissful happy...it's real...its contentment. He grounds me. He gets me...most of the time.  He tries as hard as I do to understand me. I appreciate every effort he makes. Every single touch means so much to me.  He has so much power over me....and I gave it to him. I love him like I've never loved anyone else in my life. The way he loves me is unlike anything I've ever known. When we are together I feel it so strongly.

So i digress...mistrust breeds mistrust and it hurts me to my core to even think he doesn't trust me even in the slightest. I want him to unfaltering trust me and I really do strive to have that with him...and understand the man that he is. Because in all reality I've never been with a man...not one that really is and that I respect.

Love him always

I lay here and constantly think about him.  I so desperately wish he could see himself thru my eyes. He is the most amazing man I've ever known.  His charm.  His wit. His intelligence unsurpassed by anyone I've ever known in my life.  When i feel his love i feel like the luckiest person alive. He is the most attractive person I have ever set my eyes on.  I say that from the bottom of my heart.  I don't think he truly knows how wonderful he is. 

I see his hurt.  I see his pain.  I can literally feel it at times and I'm at such a loss how to remove it.  He closes up and becomes this foreign person to me...but I know his heart. He has such a beautiful heart.  He's not perfect and honestly I don't want him to be.  I want him to be himself.  Right now he's not himself. 

When we are together the world seems brighter...more manageable.  Like we can take on anything together.  When we are apart I feel lost...a part of me missing and I'm certain the rest of the world can see the gape that is left.  I also lose him.  Not physically or permanently but he goes back in his shell and i lose the connection I so desperately try to hold on. 

I become a person I don't like being when i don't feel the connection. I want it to be like it was before....like it is when I'm in his arms.  I want to take care of him so he has nothing to worry about and I totally respect that he is so independent that he doesn't want me to. With his pride I'm sure it's emasculating but in my mind I'm taking care of my man...of our family and I hold no resentment to that because I know i can help him become the man he wants to be.  I know i can give him the love and support he's never had but deserves so much.  Every one goes thru a time in their lives where they need help. 

I dance a thin line of trying to help but giving him his space...from giving him space and still trying to find a way to have my needs met but still be understanding to his.  It can be quite exhausting. But i always come back to the conclusion that he's worth it. We are worth it. We deserve to be happy. So i suck it up and move on day by day feriously praying that God will provide the answers....of course sooner rather than later but knowing in my heart that everything is God's will and in his time.  I pray that these hard times will bring us closer in the future and not tear us apart.

He is my soul mate. I think I've always known it but even more so now.  I have feelings for him that I've never experienced before. It's not a restless type of love...it's one of contentment and security and adoration.

I adore him even tho I can be quite difficult at times. I have so much baggage and hurt that I pushed to the side but never dealt with. It rears it's ugly head sometimes and I become a person I detest. I don't want to be that type of person...that type of woman...and dare I say it that type of wife. I want a healthy relationship where we want to be with each other....best friends with all the benefits.  We had that before....before the drama. And i know in my heart we can get it back. 

I love him.  So completely and totally and God has placed him back in my life and for that I am eternally grateful.  I just wish he could see himself thru my eyes.