I try to have a laid back attitude with life even though if proves to be difficult a lot of times. There is so much that I want different in my life and trying to figure out to make it so has also been quite trying. I'm 29 years old and trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up...even though technically I am grown (only tech cause I have a LONG way to go lol). Where did my life go? Where did all my ambitions and goals go? I know they have to be here somewhere...packed away in a dust covered memory that seems so far away now. I remember when I was in high school I wanted to get my PhD in Psychology and start my own practice. Then after high school I moved to get away from my mom and ended up pregnant and then married. I spent the next 4-5 years being wife and mother, and ending up in a job that was decent but never what I had planned for my life. I finally went back to school and finished my degree in Business Marketing this last March only to find myself unemployed in May after working in one industry for 10 years. I even changed my major when I went to school thinking that I would have a leg up and have myself better prepared in life. Boy did God have another plan!
Money has never really been that important to me. Sure I want my bills paid and my kids took care of but I don't think I'm the glitz and glamor/high maintenance girl that a lot of people I see are. I guess I have all the dreams/fantasies of being able to run away for a weekend or get my nails and hair done whenever I want and actually be able to afford "retail therapy" BUT I'm not willing to sacrifice my morals for material things. That is a hard temptation that I deal with but I know in the end that all I would be doing is hurting myself and selling my soul for too high of a cost. God definitely blessed me with a conscience.
Still I can't help but have my mind drift to what I could accomplish with money. I'd be able to fight my ex husband in court and hopefully and prayfully have my boys back living with me full time. Only thing that comforts me to an extent is that I know he loves them and he is a good dad. I don't approve of all his decisions and that's where we usually bash heads but all in all the boys are took care of and they have a strong faith that I never had growing up.
I had a very nice and enlightening conversation with my oldest son, Michael (who is 9) last night. We were talking about his dad's decision to have them home schooled next yr (one of those decisions I don't approve of) and he was telling me how he doesn't understand why he has to be homeschooled and how nervous he was about learning from a computer (yea I know!). He actually told me he wanted to go to school and that he didn't understand why he couldn't go to public school...the only thing different was that they don't pray in public school or have chapel but he said he can still pray and he knows God is his heart so that is all that matters. I'm telling you....my son is smart! I just have this feeling God is going to do something in his life.
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