Blessed and confused

As I lay/sit in my hospital bed (the one I will be so glad to leave tomorrow!) I am thinking a lot about my life. I have a lot of decisions to make and for some they seem easy ones but that's because they aren't the ones that have to make them. With every decision in life I always wonder if I'm making the right one. In many of my relationships, I have learned to question and doubt myself more and more. I have been knocked down both physically and psychologically for so long that when I sit down and think about it....I'm amazed I'm still here and can still bring a smile to my face. I know God knows what he's doing....me, I don't have a clue! I'm open for learning but I've always been that stubborn, fall-then-learn-from-it kinda person. I don't really know why that is. I always have to test the limits. I see a lot of myself in my daughter. She is truly my sunshine. God knew what he was doing and what I needed. (As I write this I'm tearing up). That does make some decisions easier to make but I still question myself. I really have been isolated due to my last relationship and today I felt really blessed. I had friends that I haven't kept in touch with for a long time check on me cause they had a strange feeling. Once again, God knew I needed that support. I often forget people really love me and care about me cause the one person I tried to love didn't love me back. I have really special friends. The ones that want to be there for me and wish that someone would beat him up (brings a smile to my face). God often reminds me how blessed I am. I only have a few real friends but they are so special and dear to me. That makes other decisions really difficult to make.

I didn't tell my dad that I was in the hospital until Sunday (been here since Thursday) because I knew what was going to happen when I did. He's ready to come get me and Caitlyn and move us up to VA. Thats not an easy decision considering my whole life has been centered around here but he wants to protect me and I know that his intentions are pure. He doesn't want to find out I'm dead when he's so far away and helpless. It must b hard to be a dad and have your daughter go thru the stuff I've gone thru and feel so helpless. His girlfriend called so any hospitals today (from VA mind you) just to find me cause I didn't answer my phone. They were so worried....it was sweet to me since I never really had that. Still haven't told my mom cause I already know how that will go....she is SO negative and I definitely don't need that right now. So I have a lot of decisions and finally the freedom (and few resources) to make them. I just pray I make the right ones for me and my daughter and of course my boys (but I do know they are safe).