Another life lesson

No matter my intentions...mistrust breeds mistrust. I've never saw it as clear as i do now. Yes I had reason but in reality I took it to a level that shouldn't have been touched. I feel awful falling from the ideal I strive so hard to be. I try so hard to be a good person....and somehow I feel like I broke that.  I thought of myself and lived in the past...I was reminded of past pain instead of believing my heart. And in reality if i don't trust him I should not be with him.  He did break that unfaltering trust...but I chose to forgive him.  I chose to stay.  I chose us. 

I've never had this before.  I've never had this understanding.  I lose so much focus when I'm not with him.  I won't lie...it's hard. It's not hard in the sense it is for some people.  I'm not tempted by anyone or anything else. It's hard to trust from so far away....to leave yourself so vulnerable. It's hard not having him by my side day in and day out..to crave the feeling I have with him and can't have. It's hard knowing exactly what you want...rather need to be happy in life....and feeling selfish because you want it so bad but there are so many complications. I pray for God's will. I pray God provides a way for me to finally be happy. 

He makes me happy. It's not a blissful happy...it's real...its contentment. He grounds me. He gets me...most of the time.  He tries as hard as I do to understand me. I appreciate every effort he makes. Every single touch means so much to me.  He has so much power over me....and I gave it to him. I love him like I've never loved anyone else in my life. The way he loves me is unlike anything I've ever known. When we are together I feel it so strongly.

So i digress...mistrust breeds mistrust and it hurts me to my core to even think he doesn't trust me even in the slightest. I want him to unfaltering trust me and I really do strive to have that with him...and understand the man that he is. Because in all reality I've never been with a man...not one that really is and that I respect.

Love him always

I lay here and constantly think about him.  I so desperately wish he could see himself thru my eyes. He is the most amazing man I've ever known.  His charm.  His wit. His intelligence unsurpassed by anyone I've ever known in my life.  When i feel his love i feel like the luckiest person alive. He is the most attractive person I have ever set my eyes on.  I say that from the bottom of my heart.  I don't think he truly knows how wonderful he is. 

I see his hurt.  I see his pain.  I can literally feel it at times and I'm at such a loss how to remove it.  He closes up and becomes this foreign person to me...but I know his heart. He has such a beautiful heart.  He's not perfect and honestly I don't want him to be.  I want him to be himself.  Right now he's not himself. 

When we are together the world seems brighter...more manageable.  Like we can take on anything together.  When we are apart I feel lost...a part of me missing and I'm certain the rest of the world can see the gape that is left.  I also lose him.  Not physically or permanently but he goes back in his shell and i lose the connection I so desperately try to hold on. 

I become a person I don't like being when i don't feel the connection. I want it to be like it was before....like it is when I'm in his arms.  I want to take care of him so he has nothing to worry about and I totally respect that he is so independent that he doesn't want me to. With his pride I'm sure it's emasculating but in my mind I'm taking care of my man...of our family and I hold no resentment to that because I know i can help him become the man he wants to be.  I know i can give him the love and support he's never had but deserves so much.  Every one goes thru a time in their lives where they need help. 

I dance a thin line of trying to help but giving him his space...from giving him space and still trying to find a way to have my needs met but still be understanding to his.  It can be quite exhausting. But i always come back to the conclusion that he's worth it. We are worth it. We deserve to be happy. So i suck it up and move on day by day feriously praying that God will provide the answers....of course sooner rather than later but knowing in my heart that everything is God's will and in his time.  I pray that these hard times will bring us closer in the future and not tear us apart.

He is my soul mate. I think I've always known it but even more so now.  I have feelings for him that I've never experienced before. It's not a restless type of love...it's one of contentment and security and adoration.

I adore him even tho I can be quite difficult at times. I have so much baggage and hurt that I pushed to the side but never dealt with. It rears it's ugly head sometimes and I become a person I detest. I don't want to be that type of person...that type of woman...and dare I say it that type of wife. I want a healthy relationship where we want to be with each other....best friends with all the benefits.  We had that before....before the drama. And i know in my heart we can get it back. 

I love him.  So completely and totally and God has placed him back in my life and for that I am eternally grateful.  I just wish he could see himself thru my eyes. 

Life ever changing

I've learned thru the years the only thing constant is change.  Some changes surprise you;  some you learn from;  some you are grateful for.  I have a newfound love for the person he is. He's not perfect but I see and feel the love he has for me.  I can't wait until I'm forever in his arms. 

Is it fear or intuition?

All of my decisions in life are now well thought out and prayed about diligently. However every once in awhile I'll get a pull against the direction I'm going.  The question I have....it is fear or intuition?

I don't want to have fear control my life...especially when i haven't been given any reason to have unsubstantiated fear. It's so hard to trust someone when you have been put thru as much as i have. Every person that I trusted wouldn't hurt me has hurt me in countless ways and honestly I'm tired of pulling the pieces back together. I can't even fathom how far in life I would be if I were more cautious before. But alas....it's all God's will and God's plan.

Doubts creep into my mind but honestly I've never been given any reason to doubt.  Is it normal or a result of the events in my life. I know what I want but the road there will be hard...and expensive at this rate. Just wish I knew without a doubt the end game but life doesn't work that way.  Sigh.

My Future

This week has been another lesson in God's in control.  I had planned to go see him this weekend just to find out there were no rooms available. After what i swear was a 3 year old fit i digress and booked a room for next weekend.  Obviously God didn't want me coming this weekend even tho I was really looking forward to being with him.

He makes me so happy and complete and it's only a feeling I have with him.  It's highly addicting and honestly the cravings are stronger every time I am with him.  I have never in my life enjoyed being with someone so much.  He challenges me but I also feel completely comfortable and safe when I'm with him. In saying all this I know for a fact I am so in love with him. And this is a healthy love....finally!

Trials and tribulations of life

Life is an interesting series of twists and turns.  It's a rollercoaster of emotions that you work so hard to understand and control. Yesterday I felt as if my whole world would crumble in a mere moment....on the verge of tears. Today I feel more like myself....hopeful and blessed. Not to say that all of a sudden life got easy...quite the opposite actually.  I am working on being a better parent and teaching my daughter to obey me right away.  With a strong willed child that is a constant full time endeavor.  But I've prayed a lot today and am working on solutions so that gives me hope. Being a single parent is hard. But it's a blessing and a prevlelige to be her mother. 

I want a fast forward button

If ever there was a time I wanted time to go by fast it's now. I am so excited for the future and every day I'm more convinced that this is what God wants for me. I have never in my life felt so loved secure and honestly...emotionally healthy. Sure I still have moments of hormonal craziness but all in all I'm really as happy as I can be until I can have him be a permanent fixture in my life. I just know in my heart that this is where God wants me to be. And all of this is in Gods perfect timing. Sure I've loved him since I was 18 but the level of love and adoration I feel for him now is so much more pure and mature and real. We both had to grow up and as much as I hate not having all these years with the right person I do know God was teaching us both life lessons so that we could be perfect together. That's what I choose to believe at least :)