Love him always

I lay here and constantly think about him.  I so desperately wish he could see himself thru my eyes. He is the most amazing man I've ever known.  His charm.  His wit. His intelligence unsurpassed by anyone I've ever known in my life.  When i feel his love i feel like the luckiest person alive. He is the most attractive person I have ever set my eyes on.  I say that from the bottom of my heart.  I don't think he truly knows how wonderful he is. 

I see his hurt.  I see his pain.  I can literally feel it at times and I'm at such a loss how to remove it.  He closes up and becomes this foreign person to me...but I know his heart. He has such a beautiful heart.  He's not perfect and honestly I don't want him to be.  I want him to be himself.  Right now he's not himself. 

When we are together the world seems brighter...more manageable.  Like we can take on anything together.  When we are apart I feel lost...a part of me missing and I'm certain the rest of the world can see the gape that is left.  I also lose him.  Not physically or permanently but he goes back in his shell and i lose the connection I so desperately try to hold on. 

I become a person I don't like being when i don't feel the connection. I want it to be like it was before....like it is when I'm in his arms.  I want to take care of him so he has nothing to worry about and I totally respect that he is so independent that he doesn't want me to. With his pride I'm sure it's emasculating but in my mind I'm taking care of my man...of our family and I hold no resentment to that because I know i can help him become the man he wants to be.  I know i can give him the love and support he's never had but deserves so much.  Every one goes thru a time in their lives where they need help. 

I dance a thin line of trying to help but giving him his space...from giving him space and still trying to find a way to have my needs met but still be understanding to his.  It can be quite exhausting. But i always come back to the conclusion that he's worth it. We are worth it. We deserve to be happy. So i suck it up and move on day by day feriously praying that God will provide the answers....of course sooner rather than later but knowing in my heart that everything is God's will and in his time.  I pray that these hard times will bring us closer in the future and not tear us apart.

He is my soul mate. I think I've always known it but even more so now.  I have feelings for him that I've never experienced before. It's not a restless type of love...it's one of contentment and security and adoration.

I adore him even tho I can be quite difficult at times. I have so much baggage and hurt that I pushed to the side but never dealt with. It rears it's ugly head sometimes and I become a person I detest. I don't want to be that type of person...that type of woman...and dare I say it that type of wife. I want a healthy relationship where we want to be with each other....best friends with all the benefits.  We had that before....before the drama. And i know in my heart we can get it back. 

I love him.  So completely and totally and God has placed him back in my life and for that I am eternally grateful.  I just wish he could see himself thru my eyes.