No matter my intentions...mistrust breeds mistrust. I've never saw it as clear as i do now. Yes I had reason but in reality I took it to a level that shouldn't have been touched. I feel awful falling from the ideal I strive so hard to be. I try so hard to be a good person....and somehow I feel like I broke that. I thought of myself and lived in the past...I was reminded of past pain instead of believing my heart. And in reality if i don't trust him I should not be with him. He did break that unfaltering trust...but I chose to forgive him. I chose to stay. I chose us.
I've never had this before. I've never had this understanding. I lose so much focus when I'm not with him. I won't lie...it's hard. It's not hard in the sense it is for some people. I'm not tempted by anyone or anything else. It's hard to trust from so far away....to leave yourself so vulnerable. It's hard not having him by my side day in and day out..to crave the feeling I have with him and can't have. It's hard knowing exactly what you want...rather need to be happy in life....and feeling selfish because you want it so bad but there are so many complications. I pray for God's will. I pray God provides a way for me to finally be happy.
He makes me happy. It's not a blissful happy...it's real...its contentment. He grounds me. He gets me...most of the time. He tries as hard as I do to understand me. I appreciate every effort he makes. Every single touch means so much to me. He has so much power over me....and I gave it to him. I love him like I've never loved anyone else in my life. The way he loves me is unlike anything I've ever known. When we are together I feel it so strongly.
So i digress...mistrust breeds mistrust and it hurts me to my core to even think he doesn't trust me even in the slightest. I want him to unfaltering trust me and I really do strive to have that with him...and understand the man that he is. Because in all reality I've never been with a man...not one that really is and that I respect.
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