Always...

I feel myself always pondering whats next? I still can't get it thru my head that I may never know what's next. As this year is coming to a close I find myself pondering what I want for my life. I'll be 30 next year. Thought that day was so far away but it has definitely got here quicker than I wanted it to. No longer will I get to brag about being in my 20's! My kids are all getting older. Michael will be 10. I just can't believe that! They grow up entirely too quickly! Caitlyn will follow shortly after turning 2 (terrible 2's already showing it's ugly head) and then Matthew will be 9 (1/2 way to adult age).

I want to always be there for my kids and give them the best life that I can. I want to give them what I didn't have. Sometimes, some things are out of our control....but I try :) People say my kids are spoiled and it always takes me aback but in reality they are. Now, they aren't spoiled rotten but I do tend to overcompensate for not having them with me all the time (my boys) and then Caitlyn for not having her dad. I'm her only parent and I know how that is on a little girl. I grew up that way. I don't want her to grow up craving male attention because she missed out on it when she was younger. One day (prayerfully) God will put a true father figure in her life. Right now at least she has God-fearing male role models (thank you Steve and Jon!).

Ok, so God provides...

I know this....and after every thing God has done in my life recently I really, really know this but I can't help being so anxious still. I told a friend last night there is a sense of peace knowing that God is in control.....however, you have to get over the hurdle of the anxiety attacks first. Everything that is playing out in my life right now is of God. I wouldn't even be in the position to possibly (prayerfully) get my boys back, have my own place again soon, be safe now, and so many other things. God has provided for me so much better than I could have ever imagined. My life just 3-4 months ago was sooo different and I was so miserable. I truly am amazed on how much more easy going I am. It's been a hard road but God has held my hand thru it all. He was there with me before I went to the hospital and when I was there...always teaching me and showing me his love. Love, something I've always craved and I gave myself up to get it but only got hurt in the process. Oh well, you live and you learn and you move forward.

So...it's a praying game right now. I can't help trying to figure it all out and how everything is going to work out but in reality, God has this....he is in control...he put this whole ball in motion so I have to sit back and see what he has planned.