Such is life

I try to have a laid back attitude with life even though if proves to be difficult a lot of times. There is so much that I want different in my life and trying to figure out to make it so has also been quite trying. I'm 29 years old and trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up...even though technically I am grown (only tech cause I have a LONG way to go lol). Where did my life go? Where did all my ambitions and goals go? I know they have to be here somewhere...packed away in a dust covered memory that seems so far away now. I remember when I was in high school I wanted to get my PhD in Psychology and start my own practice. Then after high school I moved to get away from my mom and ended up pregnant and then married. I spent the next 4-5 years being wife and mother, and ending up in a job that was decent but never what I had planned for my life. I finally went back to school and finished my degree in Business Marketing this last March only to find myself unemployed in May after working in one industry for 10 years. I even changed my major when I went to school thinking that I would have a leg up and have myself better prepared in life. Boy did God have another plan!

Money has never really been that important to me. Sure I want my bills paid and my kids took care of but I don't think I'm the glitz and glamor/high maintenance girl that a lot of people I see are. I guess I have all the dreams/fantasies of being able to run away for a weekend or get my nails and hair done whenever I want and actually be able to afford "retail therapy" BUT I'm not willing to sacrifice my morals for material things. That is a hard temptation that I deal with but I know in the end that all I would be doing is hurting myself and selling my soul for too high of a cost. God definitely blessed me with a conscience.

Still I can't help but have my mind drift to what I could accomplish with money. I'd be able to fight my ex husband in court and hopefully and prayfully have my boys back living with me full time. Only thing that comforts me to an extent is that I know he loves them and he is a good dad. I don't approve of all his decisions and that's where we usually bash heads but all in all the boys are took care of and they have a strong faith that I never had growing up.

I had a very nice and enlightening conversation with my oldest son, Michael (who is 9) last night. We were talking about his dad's decision to have them home schooled next yr (one of those decisions I don't approve of) and he was telling me how he doesn't understand why he has to be homeschooled and how nervous he was about learning from a computer (yea I know!). He actually told me he wanted to go to school and that he didn't understand why he couldn't go to public school...the only thing different was that they don't pray in public school or have chapel but he said he can still pray and he knows God is his heart so that is all that matters. I'm telling you....my son is smart! I just have this feeling God is going to do something in his life.

Parenting...what a job

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I love her....well, not really but she does try my patience at times. Ahhh...the joys of parenthood. It is hard work. People who say it isn't are either drugged up, have no children, or live in la la land.

She has been particularly difficult today. Not only is she now 1 and seems to be trying me in a different way every day but today she has been running a fever on and off. I believe she is teething as her fever hasn't reached 102 yet. She is acting relatively normal. I say relative cause she is changing so much every day now. She is "talking" almost constantly. Today we actually got her to sit still and watch about 15 min of a movie sitting next to her older brother, Michael. I was too scared to get up and get a camera!

Beyond that she screamed on and off ALL DAY! She is now going thru the separation anxiety phase. I pray she went thru it today cause she wasn't feeling good otherwise this will be yet another fun adventure breaking her from freaking out, coming up to me and putting her arms up to be picked up....constantly. And of course she would NOT take a nap today. It's pretty hard work to keep up with a 1 year old primadonna.....but I love her...I really really do!

Pondering choices

So often in life we are forced to make life-changing decisions. Once we decide one way there is no turning back. Life is too short to regret but sometimes it's hard not to when life doesn't turn out the way you had envisioned it.

I have been feeling I'm at one of those crossroads and no matter which choice I make there are pros and cons. I'm scared to make the wrong one but by not making one now I'm just prolonging the inevitable. I'm praying about it.

Just new here

A really good friend introduced me to blogspot so I thought I'd give it a shot.

I often sit back and really think about how blessed I am. This seems to a be difficult thing to do sometimes with all that seems to be going on in my life and all the trials and tribulations that God is seeing me thru right now but in all honesty I am truly blessed. I have really good friends. Now that may seem trival but these aren't just any kind of friends. These aren't the people that talk about you behind your back or backstab you or look out for only themselves. These are the true friends that you can call at 1am to cry to or if you are broke down somewhere they will get up and come to you wherever you are. These are the kind of friends that God just didn't make blood related to you but you love them like they are. I've exprienced all types of "friends" and in many instances the word friend is often misused. Just because you know someone does not make them your friend. I thank God everyday to have introduced those true friends into my life. Thru them I have grown leaps and bounds not only spiritually but personally. I have grasped ideas about life that I never got from anywhere else. And even though they aren't perfect people (no one is) I love all their imperfections because that is who they are and that is why I love them!